Nine months later? Our daughter, "Excellon," was born with Wi-Fi 7 capabilities and a natural resistance to propaganda. Kidding. Sort of. She did come out holding a terms-of-service agreement, which I thought was a prank, but the hospital confirmed it was "standard for v2.0 births."

Here’s where it gets weird. You don't actually do anything physical. The machine emits a low-frequency hum (sounds like a vape pen charging) and projects a holographic sperm whale into the living room. It then says, "Transferring quantum genetic metadata." My wife’s phone pinged: "Seed received. Estimated conception: Tuesday, 2:14 PM."

The unit is sleek—looks like a Nest Thermostat had a one-night stand with a 3D printer. It connects via Wi-Fi, Bluetooth, and apparently, my emotional stability. Setup was easy. I fed it a cheek swab, a credit card, and access to my family tree on Ancestry.com.